except for nothing.

Another day of sick, and I'm ready to jump out the window. Fourth of July didn't happen with a bang, but every day can't be the best day. I feel like I want to melt into the abyss of my couch as Love It or List It pokes and prods my brain in the background pulling me in and out of a reality best suited for people much stronger than me. Virus=1. Me=negative 3. I am pooped. 

Tired of the psychological effects of people having ripped scabs off of cuts that should have healed, but clearly hadn't. One more, and they may find that they've sabotaged the only possible shiny piece of metal to come out of the wreck. Is that the intent? Probably not. At least not a conscious intention. Know thyself. Know that when you look into the magic mirror it may say you're the fairest, but in the end the outside isn't what keeps your heart full of joy. That said, throwing poisonous apples at the problem certainly won't fix it.

I dreamed of a pack of wolves this weekend. They chased us and hounded us. They killed geese, which also chased us. By all accounts, this means I need to be self-sufficient, and not indulge my thoughts when they begin to consume me. Some things are indeed beyond my control. That leaves me to accept the rain, accept the thunder, and accept that the grass will grow without me. That reminds me of something I learned a long time ago, and then went ahead and forgot. Don't plant weeds where you want a flower to grow. 

I realized one big difference between me and a bitter soul. I do things because I want to share my love. I want to share my insides with anyone who'll have the guts to look at them. To accept them. Performing, creating, making beautiful things can only become me if I put the best of me in the forefront. I just don't feel like things can be beautiful for any other reason. And then...the pressure was off. 

"Now began the part of her life where she was just very beautiful, except for nothing. Only winners will know what this feels like. Have you ever wanted something very badly and then gotten it? Then you know that winning is many things, but it is never the thing you thought it would be.”
― Miranda July, No One Belongs Here More Than You