= love.

A  Short Story About Important Things I've Learned

I've never claimed to be a saint. What I can claim today is that I'm not a liar. I don't take things out of context (copy and paste is a great tool) and swirl them around to suit my insecurities, and I can't force myself to fit into a very tiny box when I'm working on something creative. If my ideas have to fit into a set of someone else's narrow parameters, I can't operate. If feel cornered. I feel undervalued. 

I refuse to undermine my ideas or my talents, and I don't intend to allow anyone else do it for me. I think everyone can understand that from the giving and receiving end. This is not a meaningful or productive way to bring something from idea to reality. The fact that I learned this is more positive to me than the fact that I didn't know it is negative.

Am I rash sometimes? Of course. But I've seen enough of that to know that this isn't a permanent fault, but a temporary set back. Either way, at the end of the day when I find myself saying, "Why doesn't anyone love me?" what I'm really saying is, "Why don't I love myself enough to let them dislike me?"

I can change whenever I want; when it suits me, and especially if it's a change for the better. I don't have to wait for someone to tell me to do it, and I don't have to do what anyone else would expect from me. I've hurt some feelings, yes. I've even had a petty moment or two when prodded. Repeatedly.

Still, I haven't killed anyone's baby.

Considering the circumstances I--and a bunch of other people--have endured this week, you'd never know it. I don't say, "I've never been so hurt in my life." Primarily because I have, over and over again. Loss and losing are part of life. So I called the game. I finished it, at least in my mind. I don't have time to work on things that can't be worked. Not because they are bad, but because they are tired. 

When I met Jeremy, we immediately bonded over a song. No, we didn't fall in love right away. For me, it took time because of many of the things I mentioned--my own insecurity, having carried hurt with me for too long, and not loving myself enough to be loved. But he fought for me because he saw something in me that no one else does. He waited and he was kind. He was the reason and the moment and everything I needed to pull me out of a black hole. 

I told him exactly who I was, no filter. And he said to me about the bad parts, "Well, you're not doing that now." And he promised to stay, no matter what anyone said about me. I gave him a fair shot to get out, which speaks volumes to the amount of self-loathing I was feeling at the time. 

Four years and some change later, these are his words upon being told he should really be "allowed" to continue playing with a band that doesn't want to overlook my perceived fatal flaws anymore:

"I pictured myself, standing there on the stage ending a great solo. We would end the song and people would be cheering and I'd look up...and you wouldn't be there. You'd be sitting home, and I wouldn't be able to share it with you. I would want to share it with you."

This is not a manipulated and "whipped" man. This is true love. He needs me to stand behind him doing something 1. he loves and 2. that delivered to us each other. I will always do that for him (also love). To suggest otherwise for selfish gains is foolish.

I write this because...well, how could I take a wonderful person like this for granted? Answer: I can't, and never do. If I catch myself falling into a routine, I take a step back and look at our current circumstances and how far we've come. I look into a sea of blue and see not someone who's drowning, but oceans of love and respect. This is where I choose to swim, and this is what I've earned. 

In case it's not clear, I've earned this by listening, by supporting, by encouraging, and by nurturing. This is how you make something worthwhile and at first imaginary come to life.