sometimes it's a bitch.

Well, I'm still here today. I've survived a lot of chaos, and I've muddled through with a lot of more recent health problems. Some of my health problems may be related to anxiety about other health problems, and they still don't know what might be the underlying cause of those. I took a break from doctors and trying to figure it out, but I got back on the train yesterday. I feel more hopeful than I did--I have a new doctor and she's much more helpful than my old one. She's truthful, which can be scary, but as I learned yesterday, also an absolute must when it comes to my health.

She was truthful enough to tell me that based on my records, the Lyme disease test that my old doctor told me they had already performed, wasn't actually performed.

Today that leaves me in a waiting game once again for more blood work results for that, and a slew of other things. On one hand, while you're waiting it feels like you'd be glad to have some answers. I mean, no one wants Lyme disease. So on the other hand, while you're waiting, you're shitting yourself hoping you don't have something horrible that requires a whole lot of medical treatment over the next several months. And that horrible 'C' word. Let's just forget about that for the moment.

What I'm trying to do while I wait, is think good thoughts. Thoughts about the days that I've felt better. Thoughts about how much worse I felt six months ago, and how some of the initial symptoms have subsided. Thoughts about how effective positive thinking can be.

I've become frustrated with the comings and goings of my symptoms. Sometimes, when I'm feeling good, I make plans to do things. The next week comes along, and I'm not feeling good, so I have to break them. This just feeds the anxiety. I feel like I've let people down. Like I've let myself down because I'm not strong enough to break the cycle. I keep trying, because sometimes it feels like I'm fighting for my life. Not in the literal sense, but fighting to maintain some kind of normalcy during this somewhat uncomfortable time. I also have to stop fighting sometimes and remember that I can't always win. Sometimes I have to call a truce with this stuff and save my energy for doing some regular, everyday things. The dishes, some cooking, and a load of laundry or two. Sometimes I have to remind myself that my friends are there for me, too, and that they care enough to know that I'm in the middle of a struggle. That they're not unsympathetic to my plight. I put a lot of pressure on myself, and it's really about something over which I have no control. I have to remember this.

So it's Tuesday morning, and I'm waiting to find out if my blood tests are normal again. I'm waiting to find out whether or not I have Lyme disease, or possibly TB. The goal is Thursday. I have to stay sane until Thursday.

And I'm throwing it out there into the universe, 'C' word stay the fuck away.