people like that.

I knew it would happen. I've been sick for almost a year, and it's kept me under the radar, for the most part. Now, I'm feeling better and getting out more, and what do people do when you're out? They judge. Not based on reality, no. They do it quietly, and don't ask many questions. And I'm totally fine with being judged for what I do, even by complete strangers. But being judged for what they think I did, it's another story altogether. As for anyone thinking I'm not sorry for any mistakes I've made over the years, they haven't been here.

Not for the times I've denied myself happiness over and over again, or not for every day that's gone by that I rehash any one instant during which I could have said or done things differently. To the one person who's seen me at my absolute worst, and knows sure enough how damaged I was by someone else's actions, as well as how hurt I was by my own inactions...well, I don't expect you to vouch for me. You're a coward. So I'll fall as gracefully as I can into the "people like that" category. I saw it coming. I probably have it coming.

Most days, I can get past all of this.  Most days, I can avoid writing about it on the internet, and in turn find that I can't really write about it anywhere. In fact, what's suffered the most for every snide remark, every sideways glance, and for any dig, intended or unintended, is my writing. I write about me, mostly, and how I feel about the day, my situation, my friends. That way there's no intrusion. And honestly, I'm tired of talking about myself here. To the point where I thought the other day that I should just end it now.

My blog, I mean. I looked it over and concluded that it was all just drivel, and that I lack focus and a theme. In retrospect, it was more like an alarm sounding. I think that it's ruining my writing, wasting my time, and feeding the elephant that only grows larger every time I happen to step out the door (which again makes it way to Facebook and becomes largely misunderstood).  On the other hand, I've been doing this for years. It introduced me to a very good, and hopefully lifelong friend, and it's kept me occupied at times during which I really needed to stay occupied. It's helped me sleep, and it's pulled me out of bed at 6 a.m.

I guess I'm just trying to determine how much good comes of it, and how much of this other crap (see above) is too difficult to avoid if I continue with it. Because I could be more specific, but I won't be more specific. I'm not the only person in the world who has occupied a space on the internet with vague statements about non-specific things. I'd sure like to change that, though. Here's what I know. 

Sometimes, I've hurt people. I'm not the only one. What makes me better than my worst actions, is that I try every day not to make it a regular occurrence. What I'm still learning? 

I need to be hard on myself. I don't need to punish myself. And I need to figure out sooner than later the difference between the two.