to shreds.

What if I suddenly changed course? And what if I don't have that choice right now? Those two questions have been haunting my thoughts more than they should be these past few weeks. Enough to give me a stomach ache, and enough to cause me difficulty sleeping. 

Also, I've been dreaming about riding a bus. Like, often.

Anyway. I know me and my fickle heart all too well, and I know that it sometimes steers me wrong, and in every which direction. But then, often enough it doesn't, and I know one thing for sure. I've never been able to ignore it.

I don't know how much of this happens on account of fate, and how much of it I impose upon myself. It doesn't really suit me to sit around counting my blessings. I'm not saying that I don't appreciate them. I do. I'm just terrified of contentment, at least for comfort's sake. I'm not even entirely opposed to comfort, if only it weren't so predictably conducive to making me cease all movement in any particular direction. Comfort seems so rigid in its rules. Even in the most serene water, if you throw even the tiniest of all pebbles, it's still going to make a ripple. And today, I happen to like ripples, or at least the idea of them. The problem is, I only have this rock.

Ripples are one thing, but a tidal wave? I know I'm not ready for that.

But I can't keep kidding myself. Something has to change. For starters, I need to exercise more. I've been down for so long with the strangest of unidentifiable illness that my strength is all but depleted. I'm still shocked that it's claimed almost an entire year of my life, and that not one of at least 12 doctors has been able to pin it down. 

The guesses so far; sinus infection, sarcoidosis, Eustachian tube dysfunction, TMJ, glue ear, vertigo, Multiple Sclerosis, Lyme disease, severe allergies, and non-allergic rhinitis (this seems to be correct, but the cause has remained elusive), and migraine. Not to mention the ever convenient diagnosis, anxiety. And perhaps if I take their happy pills, I won't notice anymore that they have no idea what the hell they're doing, and that they're robbing me blind. On the good side, I've had much better days since I was laid off in September. I'm almost convinced that soon enough, this, and even the ringing in my ears will be a distant and hopefully mostly suppressed memory. Except for the good parts, and there have been a few somehow, mostly in spite of it.

On top of more exercise, I've cut out most caffeine, and a whole lot of sugar. My meals include fresher fruits and vegetables. And a lot of greens. Teas are mostly herbal, and breads are whole grain.

But those are the easy ones. I still have to feed and exercise my mind, and I've been horribly neglectful of it more months. I've promised it that I'll read more, and hopefully watch a lot less television than I have been. But I'm still glad that I watched every episode of My Name Is Earl. No one's going to fault me for that, right?

Thankfully, I still cook often, which sometimes satisfies my creative urges, as well as provides my brain with at least a little bit of stimulation.

So where was I going with this again?

For the moment, I know exactly what I have to do: wait and see. I wish right now that I had patience on my side, but I can, at least, kill some time trying to find it.