gifted.

This week has been full of mixed emotion. It's amazing how much you can learn if you just be still and listen to people, to your own heart, to the cyclone that makes up your thoughts every minute of every day. To your gut.

I owe an apology of sorts to the insurance company. Seriously. What I thought was a nasty game to keep my father ill, is really a nasty game that my father's illness plays, and almost always and every day, wins. There were pieces of very important that he, that my own mother, left out. Why? Because I think they are both terrified of his sobriety. Generally, I'm able to put pieces together fairly quickly. However, if the pieces aren't all there, I jump to conclusions too quickly to consider that there may be something going on that I'm missing, or that doesn't present itself openly at first glance. And the pieces that were missing were the pieces that would have landed him in first, 30 days of rehab at a place for which he and my mother decided he was too good, and then six months in a sober house, which by default he--they and all of us--lost. So again we have lost him. 

Fortunately, I've learned how and when to set boundaries for myself. I had to. Years of therapy is proving its worth every minute of every day. Not only can I face my demons, the guilt, the sense of hopelessness, but shrink their ugly little heads at first glance like it's been my life's work and learning. I feel good about this. I only wish everyone knew how very much going to therapy and learning some new approaches can benefit them and everyone they encounter. It's not a sentence of permanent mental illness. It's freedom. It's self-awareness. It's hope. 

We are all perfectly flawed. I depend on this and our differences to keep me alive. I relish every connection and hang on every word. Some this week were more important than others. Forgiveness. Self-control. Understanding. Awareness. Friendship.

I had to speak in front of a group of coworkers this week. A feeling of dread overcame me.I did the only thing that could save me. I made a joke. They all laughed. And then I let loose. We were there to share, so I did. It may have been as uncomfortable for everyone else as it was for me. But I felt like a weight had lifted, and walked away with my back perfectly straight and my head held high past some of them without a word, beaming from the inside out. Mainly because I knew I'd given it my all both for me, but more importantly to them.

So I am thankful for the gift of communication this week. That when I had a message to give, it was received with gratitude. That connections, however small were made that I can cherish for a long time. This can only happen with courage and compassion. I'm thankful that my own messages can only be received because of the beautiful people that exemplify both. I knew you all had it in you, and for doubting this ever, I am sorry.